Those who know me as a coach know that I am not a huge proponent of advice in general. While some less credentialed life coaches build practices rooted in doling out guidance on how to live a perfect life – whether it’s a lifestyle rooted in a particular meditation practice or a secret smoothie recipe – my coach training, aligned with regulations of the ICF, emphasized the awareness that no one can claim to be the expert of anyone else’s life. It instead taught me processes and methods to help the client reach their own internal sense of guidance by systematically tackling the internal and external blocks they identify. So, for me to endorse any type of advice, it has to be as close to universal as possible; something simple but impactful and accessible to everyone. And when it comes to types of advice, no one loves to give or request anything more than relationship advice. I myself, a life-long romantic, used to always seek out any relationship advice I could get my hand on and take the words I received as gospel, whether they came from my grandmother, or the many TEDx talks I used to watch on YouTube. But inevitably, when I would put the advice into practice, I would find problems in its logic. My grandmother always emphasizes the importance of patience in marriage – I think because my grandfather was always exceedingly patient with her, and she greatly appreciated him for it. And while patience is certainly a virtue, the advice is not one-size-fits-all. When I ran into issues in my previous relationship, I would hold tight to the advice to remain patient and instead ended up condoning my ex to walk all over me. The things I heard via TEDx also proved more difficult to apply outside of a lab or conference room setting. Fortunately for me, nothing serves as a greater teacher than corrective experience, and when I met my current partner, I learned all about what a relationship is really meant to look like, through good times and bad, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. With everything we’ve learned together, like in any partnership, there’s a certain routine and structure we’ve developed together for our relationship. Tenets we try to stick to, like avoiding playing the blame game when it comes to life’s routine snags, or remembering to give each other a goodbye kiss before either of us walks out the door. But while we have certain systems we follow that fit with our personalities, our lifestyles, what have you, I wouldn’t call most of these things fundamental letters of the law that universally improve the health and longevity of all couples. As tempting as it might be to notice what works in your own relationship and dish it out as blanket advice to anyone half-willing to hear it, everyone is different.
But there’s one thing I can’t resist sharing, one thing that my partner and I do on the daily that makes me feel like I have truly cracked the code to life. It might still be hyperbole to call it universal, but I think it’s valuable to share. We say “thank you.” Though I consistently do laundry every Wednesday and my partner can always count on clean, newly folded clothes the same time every week, he always thanks me for doing it. I never take it for granted when he fills up my water bottle or takes the time to make a special, bespoke dipping sauce for our vegan chicken nuggets. Sometimes I just thank him for being my best friend and sometimes he just thanks me for being me.
I think it’s easy, especially for those of us who take on the majority of household labor to take on the attitude of why would I thank my partner for doing the bare minimum? They really want a pat on the back for putting on a new roll of toilet paper after using up the end of the last one? I can completely understand that. Prescribing gratitude practices in general can induce anyone into an eye-roll moment when they’re just asking for a little validation and understanding of their struggles. This doesn’t constitute as a one-size-fits-all piece of advice in the sense that if someone came to me telling me that their partner was abusive or never picked up around the house that I think it would be universally appropriate to remind them to thank their partner for the things they did do right. But when it comes to incorporating this kind of gratitude as a habit in relationships, the benefits prove two-fold. There’s the aspect of gratitude to it, remembering never to take the generosity, kindness, and partnership from the one’s we love for granted. Then there’s the matter of positive reinforcement.
While it is important to feel safe enough in a relationship to share your entire spectrum of emotions, including the occasional hurt or frustration, criticism is often not as constructive as we hope it will be. The Gottman Institute in fact labels criticism as one of the four horsemen of a relationship apocalypse, where its consistent presence may indicate the oncoming sign of a split, along with contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Positive reinforcement proves far more constructive than criticism, and a simple “thank you” can go a long way in helping anyone feel appreciated and rewarded. It can promote people to continue behavior that consistently brings about those good feelings, as well as reciprocate the same warmth and gratitude.
I didn’t realize how much impact a simple “thank you” could have until I found myself in a relationship full of them. Gratitude serves as a useful habit in maintaining the wellbeing of any person or relationship, and when snags come up that no sort of positive reinforcement can solve, since confrontation is not my strong suit, I don’t tend to lean on criticism. Instead, I consider first what battles I want to pick. Am I sweating the small stuff? I’ve pretty much surrendered that there is an ongoing collection of not-clean-but-not-dirty clothes that pile up on our dresser throughout the week. But in the case of anything more serious, criticism doesn’t serve me because it isn’t my business to have another person simply bend to my will if we’re meant to be in an equal partnership. People do well when they can, and when they’re struggling, the approach of empathy, striving to understand, and coming up with accessible solutions works far better than criticism. This is an easy thing to understand an implement in coaching but takes on a whole other level of depth in an interpersonal relationship, when you’re trying to balance your needs along with those of your partner and the partnership as a whole. Obviously, this is where we get more out of the realm of universal applicability. Talking about positive reinforcement over criticism is not as simple or as accessible as the simple hack of saying “thank you.” This sort of tactic of refraining from criticism and reacting with empathy would not have worked in previous abusive relationships of mine, because I didn’t remember to stay in touch with my own needs while trying to listen to and help the other person. This is why you can’t treat your partner like a coaching client, or a child for that matter. Context, history, differences in personalities, communication styles, etc. all influence approaches to bringing up difficult topics that can’t be smoothed over by only focusing on positive reinforcement. But when it comes to everyday maintenance of a relationship, sometimes the difference between a period of boredom and a period of peace, of a time marked by routine and a time marked by bliss, lies in the simple habit of saying “thank you.”
So, how does gratitude fit into your daily practice, or your relationship? How do you find the difference between positive reinforcement and criticism lands differently with your loved ones? In the face of Valentine’s Day, sometimes it’s easy to focus on what is lacking or how our lives don’t measure up to what others post on their highlight reels. So maybe a couple extra thank yous can go a long way this upcoming week.
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